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The Daily Bonnet

Canadians Heartbroken After American Crokinole Squad Defeats Team Canada in Shootout

February 23, 2018 Andrew

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA Extra time was needed to decide the Gold Medal in Women’s Crokinole at the 2018 Winter Olympics on Wednesday. After two hours where neither team was able to reach that 100 point […]

Unger Suspicion

Patrik Laine Has Now Officially Passed Jonathan Toews in Total Mennoniteness

February 21, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Despite his Finnish origin and inability to speak Plautdietsch, Winnipeg Jets star Patrik Laine is now officially even more Menno than Jonathan Toews. According to sources, his moustacheless beard was inspired by the […]

Unger Games

Children Support Literacy By Reading to Hockey Players

February 16, 2018 Andrew

BRANDON, MB February is ‘I Love to Read’ month and that means children across the province will be taking time out of their busy schedules to promote literacy in the hockey playing population. One local […]

Unger Games

Canadian Olympians Forced to Pay Back Half Their Medals in Taxes

February 13, 2018 Andrew

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA Always on the lookout for new sources of revenue, the Canadian government has announced it will be taxing Olympic medals at the top income tax bracket of 48.7 percent. The medals will […]

Unger Games

Falling on Your Ass Only Known Way to Stop While Skating

February 7, 2018 Andrew

TORONTO, ON After centuries of skating, Canadians have mastered the art of maneuvering their bodies at high speeds on sheets of ice, but scientists are baffled by the fact that not a single one of […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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