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Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Buy Naming Rights to New Edmonton Arena

March 14, 2018 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB A group of wealthy Mennonites have honoured their favourite summer treat by purchasing the naming rights to the downtown Edmonton arena. Beginning today, the Oilers’ arena will officially be known as Rogers Golden […]

Unger Games

Mathematicians Confounded as Hockey Player Successfully Gives 110%

March 12, 2018 Andrew

DAUPHIN, MB Mathematicians across the globe were shocked to discover a junior hockey player in Dauphin, Manitoba giving a full 110% during a game against Virden on Friday night. “I can’t believe it. Prior to […]

Unger Suspicion

Jets Fans Toss Amish Hats onto the Ice to Celebrate Patrik Laine’s Hat Trick

March 7, 2018 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY There were more than a few Winnipeg Jets fans at Madison Square Gardens last night to witness the young Finnish superstar, and wanna-Anabaptist, Patrik Laine score three goals against the lowly Rangers. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Canadians Heartbroken After American Crokinole Squad Defeats Team Canada in Shootout

February 23, 2018 Andrew

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA Extra time was needed to decide the Gold Medal in Women’s Crokinole at the 2018 Winter Olympics on Wednesday. After two hours where neither team was able to reach that 100 point […]

Unger Suspicion

Patrik Laine Has Now Officially Passed Jonathan Toews in Total Mennoniteness

February 21, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Despite his Finnish origin and inability to speak Plautdietsch, Winnipeg Jets star Patrik Laine is now officially even more Menno than Jonathan Toews. According to sources, his moustacheless beard was inspired by the […]

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