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health

The Daily Bonnet

Vaccine “Lottery” Rebranded as Vaccine “Quilt Raffle” for Pious Southern Manitobans

June 9, 2021 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Not wanting to participate in anything resembling a “lottery”,  Mennonites of the Winker area have agreed to get the vaccine so long as their names are thrown into the hat for the quilt […]

Unger & Thirst

Winkler Pastor Finally Approves Going for Shots in Morden

June 7, 2021 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Pastor Dave has finally given the green light for Winklerites to “go have shots in Morden”. First in line was Susan Froese, 35, who had been waiting for this announcement for quite some […]

Unger Suspicion

Government Now Requiring Masks to Fully Cover Douchey Neck Tattoos

May 3, 2021 Andrew

THUNDER BAY, ON After nationwide protests saw a “disturbing” presence of neck tattoos, bleach-blonde hair, and mirrored sunglasses, the Government of Canada issued a new health advisory requiring “all douchey neck tattoos” to be fully […]

Unger Suspicion

Anti-Maskers Mistake The Forks for Steinbach

April 25, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Thousands of pro-plague protestors gathered at The Forks in Winnipeg this afternoon under the mistaken impression they were actually in Steinbach. “Ahh, it’s great to be here in Steinbach again,” said pro-plague leader […]

Unger Suspicion

Edmonton Area Pastor Sworn in as New Alberta Health Minister

April 13, 2021 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Alberta’s most popular and respected minister of religion has been given a new title: Minister of Health. “It was only natural that we appoint this recently jailed man as Minister of Health,” said […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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