Mennonite Man Tests Positive for Coke


After a routine traffic stop in the small village of Blumenort, Alberta, local man Mr. Wiens has been found to have Coke in his system. Wiens faces several charges including driving under the influence of Coca-Cola and failure to consume adequate levels of Papsi.

“We haven’t found this much Coke in a Mennonite man’s system since the great Papsi shortage of ’83,” said Constable Dan. “It’s really unfortunate to see a Mennonite man get so low that he resorts to inferior cola like this.”

Wiens was held at the station overnight, but may be kept there until the Coke clears his system.

“We’ve already starting pumping him full of Papsi, but he’s pretty far gone,” said Dan. “Our only hope is that maybe, just maybe, it was Diet Coke.”

Local police have brought in boxes of Ravel bars in hope that Wiens will develop a craving for Papsi once more.

“It’s the same method we use to get people off on chai and back onto yerba mate,” said Dan. “It’s not an easy task, but it’s essential for the survival of Mennonite culture.”

It’s not known how the Coke got into Blumenort, but police are on the lookout for illegal shipments, many of which they suspect are coming from neighbouring La Crete.

(photo credit: C.E. Kent/CC)

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