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The Daily Bonnet

Apple Introduces New Siri Voice with Mennonite Accent

January 15, 2018 Andrew

CUPERTINO, CA Recent changes to Apple’s Siri and Maps mean that Mennonites across the Americas will have the chance to receive directions to the nearest Chicken Chef in a comforting Plautdietsch accent. Starting January 15, […]

Unger Suspicion

Volkswagen Offers Customers Financial Compensation for the Embarrassment of Driving a Volkswagen

January 3, 2018 Andrew

WOLFSBURG, GERMANY After executive Oliver Schmidt was sentenced to seven years in prison for the Volkswagen emissions scandal, the German automaker is now offering embarrassed customers financial compensation for the “utter humiliation of having to […]

The Daily Bonnet

Retired ‘Main Street Cruiser’ to Become ‘Sunday Driver’

October 23, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local man Menno Fast, 61, is officially retiring from driving up and down Winkler Main Street in his ’96 Honda Civic on Friday nights to, instead, drive really slow in an ’03 Buick […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Seeks to End Drinking or Driving

August 18, 2017 Andrew

BERLIN, OH The elder board at East Berlin Mennonite Church met this week to discuss the implementation of a few new rules regarding the operation of motor vehicles and/or the consumption of alcohol. The new […]

Unger Conviction

Winkler Church to Install Roundabout in Parking Lot

August 10, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB The roundabout craze has taken the Pembina Valley by storm with city streets, local businesses and, now, even churches trying to cash in on the fad. Winkler Mennonite Bible Church plans to spend $3,000,000 […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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