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calvinism

Unger Conviction

Breaking! Pastor Dan’s Been Getting All His Insights from the Footnotes in His ‘Ryrie Study Bible’

April 8, 2021 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC Drone footage hovering above the pulpit this week has revealed that Pastor Dan’s been getting all this spiritual insights from the footnotes in his Ryrie Study Bible. “I feel we’ve been duped. From […]

The Daily Bonnet

Facebook Debate About ‘Eternal Security’ Results in the Condemnation of Millions

April 19, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB What started as an innocent conversation between a Mennonite and a Calvinist on “eternal security” quickly became the greatest mass condemnation of people since the Spanish Inquisition. “I just started off by posting a […]

Unger Conviction

A Mennonite Guide to Earning Your Salvation

June 2, 2017 Andrew

New documents published by Conrad Grebel in the early 1500s have finally put to rest the age-old Mennonite question of how to go about earning your place in Heaven. While Calvinists believe that some people are […]

Unger Conviction

Anabaptist Seminary Graduates a Record Five Calvinists

April 22, 2017 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN The 2017 graduating class at South Goshen Mennonite Seminary has graduated a record number of Calvinists this year. “I must say, it’s been an upward trend toward Calvinism in the last few years,” […]

Unger Conviction

Calvinist Spies Hack Mennonite Church Board Election

January 16, 2017 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN After the surprise election of abrasive and unlikable church member Hans Yoder to the elder board, rumours are spreading that a group of subversive Calvinists have interfered in the election. “There’s just no […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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