Calvinist Spies Hack Mennonite Church Board Election


After the surprise election of abrasive and unlikable church member Hans Yoder to the elder board, rumours are spreading that a group of subversive Calvinists have interfered in the election.

“There’s just no way Mr. Yoder was elected. All the polls leading up to the vote showed him behind the other candidates,” explained board chair Gerhard Hostetler. “I mean, Hans Yoder? Seriously? The man has been trying to slip in Calvinist thinking into our Statement of Faith for decades. He’s the most despised man in town.”

Calvinists and Anabaptists have never been doctrinal allies, but Yoder says there’s no reason they can’t mend the splintered relationship.

“I don’t know John Calvin. We might get along; we might not,” said Yoder. “All I’m saying is that if Anabaptists and Calvinists would get along for once it wouldn’t be such a bad thing, would it?”

Still, board chair Hostetler insists there must have been outsider interference.

“Those Calvinists are always meddling where they don’t belong,” said Hostetler. “I know that they’ll claim Yoder was pre-destined to be on the East Goshen Mennonite Church board…but I’ve got the feeling it’s more like a self-fulfilling prophecy than anything that has to do with the divine will of God.”

During the first board meeting after his election, Yoder immediately moved to have the church drop the “Mennonite” label and be rebranded East Goshen Evangelical Church. He also brought along 100 disgruntled members of a nearby Baptist church to join the new congregation.

(photo credit: by kteague/CC)

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