Study: ‘Not All Mennonites Are Dicks’


A new study from the University of Waterloo-Kitchener-Cambridge has revealed that, contrary to popular opinion, “not all Mennonites are Dicks.”

“Far from it,” said study organizer Dr. Lehman. “In fact, if you include Swiss Mennonites, there are very few Mennonite Dicks. Oh, sure, in Steinbach there are lot of Dicks, but in Southern Ontario and Pennsylvania and places like that, it’s just not the case.”

According to Dr. Lehman’s research, less than 20% of Mennonites are Dicks and most of the Dicks are concentrated in southern Manitoba.

“You go to the Pembina Valley and all the signs are Dick this and Dick that, but expand your horizons a little and you’ll find some non-Dick Mennonites as well,” said Lehman. “I think it’s really important that the public knows there’s a lot more to Mennonites than just the Dicks. We can’t let the Dicks shape everyone’s impression of who and what a Mennonite is.”

In order to educate the public, Dr. Lehman has erected Dick billboards across the country. The signs show a smiling Mennonite man, thumb tucked behind his suspenders, with the message: “MENNONITES: WE’RE NOT ALL DICKS.”

“I know the Dicks aren’t going to like it,” said Lehman, “but I’m sure the Fasts, Funks, and Penners will. They’re tired of being associated with the Dicks.”

Juvenile delinquents in Morden were tempted to deface the billboards, but decided against it as they couldn’t figure out a way of making it more suggestive than it already was.

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