Study: 99% of Anti-Vax “Research” Occurs While Taking a Dump


A new study shows that the overwhelming majority of anti-vax research occurs whilst the researcher is doing a number two.

“We geolocated all the top anti-vax researchers and found almost all of them prefer to conduct their research while seated on the throne with the fan on,” said Dr. Smithers of the North Dakota State Institute of Looking Stuff Up Online. “The researchers believe this is a comfortable and relaxing context in which to conduct high level scientific studies such as scrolling Facebook and YouTube while taking the utmost precautions to ensure their smartphone doesn’t drop in the hole.”

The multi-tasking abilities of anti-vax researchers were so impressive that Dr. Smithers is raising funds to increase the wifi signal in area washrooms so that this scientific research can continue.

“The evidence is clear: we need to get those scientists out of their laboratories and onto the john,” said Dr. Smithers. “All we ask is that they make sure to light a match after their research session.”

Smithers found the typical suburban washroom was well-equipped for flat Earth research as well.

“The crapper seems to be a remarkably fertile environment for scientific research,” said Dr. Smithers. “You can become an expert in almost any field with just a fifteen minute dump and a few squares of Charmin Ultra Soft.”

The study showed that the remaining 1% of anti-vax research occurred whilst the researcher was attending a cult meeting in rural Manitoba.

(photo credit: Marco Verch Professional Photographer/CC)

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