Amish Win Gold in Olympic Barn Raising Competition


A team of Schwartzenhersbergertruberschmidts swept the medals at the Barn Raising competition at this year’s Olympic Games.

“We placed first, second, and third, though that was mostly because the Mennonites failed the drug test,” said Mr. Schwartzenhersbergertruberschmidt. “I told them they should steer clear of that yerba mate.”

The Schwartzenhersbergertruberschmidts raised fifteen barns in just three minutes and ten seconds, blazing past their nearest competition, which only managed to hammer a few boards together in the same time frame.

“I’ve been training for this competition my whole life,” said Schwartzenhersbergertruberschmidt. “The postponement of the games last year was a real disappointment, and we even lost a few men to the Dutch Blitz team, but thankfully our community birthed 27 babies this year and we trained them to use a hammer pretty quick.”

The Amish medals could have pushed Team USA ahead of Team China on the medal count, except that the Schwartzenhersbergertruberschmidts didn’t allow their medals to be counted for the Americans because it violated their strict commitment to the separation of church and state.

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