Six Billion Year Old Bible Provides Definitive Proof of Evolution


Scientists at a dig site in Turkey have uncovered one of the most important pieces of evidence to support Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution. Earlier this month a team of specialists led by Professor Anthony W. Updike, Dean of Archaeology at an unnamed university, unearthed the oldest Bible yet found.

“We’ve dated it at between five-and-a-half and six-billion years old,” said Updike. “I like to think of it as the missing link between the Big Bang and all the new fangled Bibles we’ve got now.”

The manuscript, aptly named ‘Michelle’ after a Beatles song that was playing in the background at the time of discovery, is currently being held under tight security in Updike’s 16-bed hostel room in Ankara.

“I know that people want to see it, want to touch it, want to examine it, and that time will come, but first I have to find the right buyer…I mean scholar,” said Updike.

The prehistoric Bible contains nearly the complete Old and New Testament, but oddly enough the Books of Revelation and James were entirely missing.

“We think that Martin Luther got a hold of it sometime in the 16th century and then reburied it where he found it,” said Updike. “But never mind, the important thing is that it’s almost entirely intact. Even the Book of Genesis is in there.”

Updike has already listed the book on eBay, but with an asking price of “one dollar per year,” it may be out of reach for all but the Catholic Church and that guy who owns the Dallas Mavericks.

“I’m hoping this discovery will finally put the nail in the coffin of Young Earth Creationism,” said Updike, “and, as an added benefit, get me that Maserati I always wanted.”

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