Single Uncle Elmer Refuses to Date Women Who Wear Pants


Uncle Elmer Jansen, 71, has been single his whole life for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is his absolute refusal to date women who wear pants or “Satan’s slacks” as he calls them.

“The Bible clearly states that women should not adorn their legs in pants,” said Jansen. “These days it’s hard to find a woman who obeys that clear Biblical command that I just made up.”

Jansen claims that all the good Mennonite women in his area switched from dresses to pants almost fifty years ago and he still can’t get over it.

“If I have to marry a pants-wearer, I’d rather just be single,” said Jansen, from his Newton living room. “It’s like my mother always said, ‘Men won’t take a chance on a woman in pants.'”

Jansen, himself, refused to put pants on for this interview, and instead sat on his forty-year-old sofa wearing nothing but wool socks, some boxer shorts and a pair of suspenders.

“Modesty,” said Jansen. “Doesn’t anybody care about it anymore?”

He then shook his head, vigorously scratched himself, and then declared that the interview was over.

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