7 Signs You’re Becoming a Mennonite

The world of the Englisher is one filled with excitement and adult beverages and over the years many a darper has moved to the city and abandoned their Mennonite traditions. On occasion, however, it goes the other way. Every once in a while, an outsider decides to leave it all behind and become a Menno. The process is gradual, but once you notice these signs, you’ll know you’re well on your way. No point resisting. Just surrender and join us.

  • You have an increased desire for pickled vegetables – Over time fresh carrots and peas just might not be as appealing as they once were. Instead, you just can’t stomach a veggie unless it’s been preserved in vinegar and stored in a mason jar for at least a year.
  • You start to harmonize with any song you hear on the radio – You’re listening to the oldies station and “I Saw Her Standing There” comes on. Instead of singing Paul’s part like you usually do, you find yourself drawn to singing John’s backup harmonies. Be careful. Singing harmony is a tell-tale sign you’re becoming Menno.
  • You’ve let a few Plautdietsch words slip into your vocabulary – If you spend enough time with Canadians you might start apologizing too much or saying “eh” a lot. If you spent too much time in Mennonite country, however, you might find yourself say, “Diewel, that Miss Penner has a lovely bonnet yet! Oba yo!”
  • Your hemline is getting lower – You may have started with a hemline at the knee, but over time it’s gotten lower and lower. By the time you reach the ankle, you might as well sign up for baptismal classes.
  • Dietrich Klassen is looking more attractive all the time – Trust me, if you’re finding Dietrich attractive, you’re not only becoming Mennonite, but desperate. Please seek help immediately.
  • You have a sudden insatiable interest in your family tree – If you’re into DNA and genealogies and all that, it’s a sure fire sign you’re becoming Menno. Once you start asking strangers who their daddy is, you’re done for.
  • You’re waking up earlier and earlier with a strange desire to milk a cow – You used to be a night owl, but lately, you’ve been getting up at five and heading into the back yard with an uncontrollable urge to milk something…anything. Move to the farm quick!
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