Shunned Mennonites Feeling Super Safe Right Now


Mrs. Beiler, 63, who was shunned three months ago after wearing a knee-length skirt to a church potluck, is among the safest people on the planet these days.

“The shunning was bad at first, but now I’m glad not to be so close to people,” said Mrs. Beiler. “Six feet? Come on, according to the elders no one’s allowed within a six mile radius of me after that potluck skirt fiasco.”

Mennonites, Amish, and other Anabaptists have practiced social distancing known as “shunning” for centuries, and health authorities are finally praising its merits.

“I’ll admit I doubted their methods in the past, but maybe its time to consider the possibility that those old Mennonite elders know what they’re talking about,” said Dr. Stoltzfus. “These days everyone should be shunning their neighbours!”

In the current situation, even very progressive Mennonite churches have brought back the shunning.

“We dropped it in the 60s because it was uncouth, but I guess we were wrong,” said Pastor Ron of the Mennonite Gospel Emporium in Lancaster. “From now on, we’re shunning everybody. You don’t even have to have worn the wrong top to church!”

The federal government is recommending that everyone in the country practices Mennonite shunning techniques until this whole mess is over sometime in 2025.

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