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Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Signs Pastor to Massive 30-Year $1.2 Million Contract

January 18, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Free agent pastor Dave Hiebert has just inked a 30-year contract extension with the West Morden Mennonite Church. The new record-setting contract is reportedly worth close to $1.2 million spread out over the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Mafia Now Accepting Applications for 2017 Drug-Smuggling Season

January 17, 2017 Andrew

SCHISSJAT, ON The Mennonite Mafia is looking forward to a busy summer of drug-running this year and are already accepting applications for wide variety of fedeenstlijch positions. “You can drop off your resume and cover letter with […]

Unger Conviction

Calvinist Spies Hack Mennonite Church Board Election

January 16, 2017 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN After the surprise election of abrasive and unlikable church member Hans Yoder to the elder board, rumours are spreading that a group of subversive Calvinists have interfered in the election. “There’s just no […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Law Mandates 6:30 Bedtime for Mennonites

January 16, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After a string of incidents involving Mennonites who stayed up to the unseemly hour of seven or eight, a new Steinbach bylaw requires that all Mennonites be in bed with the lights out […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Resolves Not to Gossip in 2017

January 15, 2017 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN Did you hear about Mrs. Maria Kroeker? I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but, oh, it looks like you really want to know by the way you’re leaning in and cupping […]

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