Mennonite Grandma Smuggles Baking Powder into White House, Plans to Make Zwieback


Mrs. Janzen of Goessel, Kansas has been arrested in the nation’s capital this week after smuggling a Ziploc bag full of what she says is baking powder into the White House.

“I thought it was the thing to do,” explained Janzen, who was released on $606 bail later in the afternoon. “Wasn’t it ‘Bring Your Own Mysterious White Powder to the White House Day’?”

Janzen says she planned to bake some lovely zwieback for the President, but investigators were suspicious of her claim.

“Who is she kidding? Everyone knows the only white powder in zwieback is a little bit of sugar and salt. Or potato water if you count that,” said Secret Service officer Betty Schmidt. “I’m afraid she really intended to make something a bit more dangerous … like maybe gluten-free muffins or something.”

Janzen says she has a whole trunk pantry full of mysterious white substances and none of them are anything to be afraid of.

“Baking soda, baking powder, sugar, salt, all purpose flour, cornstarch, evaporated milk — you name it, I’ve got it,” said Janzen. “Oh, yeah, and a wee bit of cocaine, too.”

The White House has been evacuated and will be fully sanitized until authorities are confident no traditional Mennonite dishes are being constructed on the premises.

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