How to Choose Your New Colony Name: A Guide for Hutterites

In most circumstances, Hutterites are a highly self-sufficient bunch, but in recent years it’s become clear that there was one essential resource they were running low on – satire. So, in an effort to build satirical bridges between our communities, Mennonite satirist Andrew Unger has been enlisted to fill the gap. All he asks for are some delicious Hutterite chickens in return.

Upon arrival in the Hutterite world, the first thing Andrew realized was they needed a much more efficient method of coming up with colony names.

According to Andrew’s research there already are 572 Hutterite colonies and there are new colonies all the time. Once a colony reaches a certain size, they branch out and form a new one – kind of like all the Mennonite churches in Steinbach. But with Mennonites, finding a new name is easy. Want to form a new Mennonite group? All you need to do is just add an extra letter to your acronym. It doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t mean anything. For example, if you’re an MC and want to branch out, you can become the MCC or the EMC, then the EMBC or EMMC, and then the EMBCC or EMMMC and so on.

However, the Hutterites are much more creative than us Mennonites are not content to just add an extra letter. I also know that they’re a hard-working people and don’t have a lot of time to spend on trivial matters like naming colonies. So to make things easier, I’ve come up with this helpful guide.

How to Choose Your New Colony Name: A Guide for Hutterites

It’s simple. Select the oldest person who will be joining the new colony. Maybe it’s Mr. Waldner. Perhaps it’s Mrs. Kleinsasser. Maybe it’s your cousin Andreas Hofer. Who knows? The point is, you need to select one individual and have a look at their birth month and the first letter of their first name. Then you combine the two with this handy chart and you’ve got your new colony name!

For example, if I was born in September and my first name was Deborah, then my new colony name would be Elk Stream Hutterite Colony. It’s as simple as that. So, what is your new colony name?

January – Rocky

February – New

March – Spring

April – Green

May – Purple

June – Smooth

July – Fast

August – Peaceful

September – Elk

October – Pleasant

November – Old

December – Snow

A – View

B – Creek

C – Ridge

D – Stream

E – River

F – Ranch

G – Springs

H – Lake

I – Waters

J – Forest

K – Mountain

L – Rapids

M – Valley

N – Island

O – Hills

P – Land

Q – Ville

R – Ridge

S – Flowers

T – Garden

U – Cliff

V – Swamp

W – Falls

X – Bend

Y – Plain

Z – Land


(photo credit: Rainer Mueller/CC)
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