Highway 75 Re-opens, Still Just as Shitty as Before


When southbound traffic on Manitoba’s most prestigious highway Number 75 was re-opened today after being closed briefly due to winter weather, drivers were shocked to discover road conditions were still just as shitty as ever.

“I was trying to visit the frindschauft in jantsied this weekend, but when I saw the condition of that road, I said ‘hang it. I’m staying in Niverville,'” said Mrs. Schellenberg. “And all my cousins understood. These simply aren’t suitable driving conditions.”

Meanwhile the slightly more adventurous Klassen couple decided they just might be able to make it to Altona so long as they took the Hummer.

“Our daughter really didn’t want us to go. She didn’t think it was safe, but I told her if the Lord wanted us to visit Taunte Tina, he would guide our vehicle safely all along the way,” said Mrs. Klassen. “Besides, I like to count the pot holes. It gives me something to occupy the time.”

Not only is Highway 75 used by Mennonites visiting relatives, but it just so happens to be the only exit out of the province.

“What can I say? We’re not such big fans of cross-border shopping,” said Premier Stefanson. “The longer we keep the highway like that, the more money gets spent in our own local Walmarts.”

Drivers petitioned the province to coat the highway in a thick layer of ice and snow, which they say is much preferable to the current really shitty state of the road.

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