LANCASTER, PA
Nearly thirty congregants at the local Mennonite church had to go home early this Sunday after partaking in communion with some pretty sketchy looking crackers.
“We’ve been using the same box of crackers since the 80s,” said Mrs. Shenk. “I guess they’re trying to save money or something, but once in a while it’s a good idea to get a new box of Ritz.”
Mrs. Shenk says she’s always careful to root around a pick a cracker that “doesn’t look too off,” but some of her fellow church-goers were not so lucky.
“You should have seen Mrs. Weaver – she just reached in there without even looking,” said Mrs. Shenk. “Typical rookie mistake.”
Pastor David says the church just doesn’t have the budget for new communion crackers, and admits they bought all the crackers in bulk at Costco back in 1988.
“There was a bargain and we’ve been using that stock ever since,” said Pastor David. “It’s really too bad when people get sick like this, but, you know, I think it’s a test of faith.”
Pastor David says the next “test of faith” will come in three months when the congregation partakes in communion once again.
“We’ll also have a foot-washing service,” said Pastor David. “So you’ve got double the chance to catch a communicable disease.”
Pastor David said the Welch’s juice used at communion is completely safe having only been sitting in the church pantry since the mid 90s.
