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The Daily Bonnet

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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Population Completely Unaffected by Global Cyberattack

May 15, 2017 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN While millions of internet-users around the world were afflicted by the largest cyberattack in history this weekend, anthropologists have discovered a small group of people, affectionately known as “Mennonites,” who, for some reason, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Discovers Suspenders Are No Good for Bungee Jumping

May 15, 2017 Andrew

WICHITA, KS Local man Darrel P. Friesen, 41, discovered the hard way that your typical Mennonite suspenders from Wal-Mart are completely insufficient to use for bungee jumping. Mr. Friesen somehow managed to survive the fall, but […]

The Daily Bonnet

60-Year-Old Mennonite Woman Decides to Retire from Child-Bearing

May 14, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA Now that she’s turned 60, Mrs. Martha Snyder, a Mennonite woman from Lancaster, has decided to hang up her cleats and retire from bearing any more children. “I’ve been pretty active at child-bearing […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winnipeg Man Survives Eating Fish Caught in Red River

May 13, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Despite the large quantities of raw sewage that’s routinely dumped into the river, local man Alexander Penner of North Kildonan decided that eating a fish caught in this delightfully polluted river was a […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple Finally Consummates Marriage on Fifth Wedding Anniversary

May 12, 2017 Andrew

HEUBODEN, MB After five years of a happy yet celibate marriage, local couple Mary and Henry Funk figured they were finally ready to set their Scrabble board aside and take their relationship to the next level. “In […]

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