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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Local Man Faces Blasphemy Charges After Putting Ketchup on Perogies

April 1, 2017 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON Retired bricklayer, Barney Plett of Waterloo, was arraigned on a wide variety of charges including ‘espionage’, ‘defacing public property’, and ‘attempted murder,’ after photographic evidence suggested he lathered his cottage cheese vereneki in a […]

Unger & Thirst

Fraser Valley Mennonites Survive Winter on Nothing but Raspberry Preserves

March 31, 2017 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Mennonite across the Fraser Valley have made it through yet another winter thanks to their bountiful supply of raspberry and strawberry preserves. “Thank the Lord that my grandma taught me canning,” said local woman Alexis Friesen, […]

Unger & Thirst

Irish Mennonites Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day With Green Perogies

March 17, 2017 Andrew

DUBLIN, IRELAND Ireland’s small but growing Mennonite community will be honouring St. Patrick today by dyeing all their perogies green. “We’ve adopted a lot of the Russian Mennonite customs and food,” said Pastor Abe F. […]

Unger & Thirst

Fancy Mennonite Restaurant Offers $200 21-course Tasting Menu

March 14, 2017 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY Noted Mennonite chef and restauranteur Joël Ramsay Klassen has elevated Mennonite cuisine to new levels with his Madison Park restaurant Le Scheen Aufdank, which offers an extensive tasting menu featuring molecularized versions of popular […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Uses the Same Tea Bag for a Record Ten Years

March 8, 2017 Andrew

BLUMENORT, MB Area woman Ms. Deloris B. Pankratz has just tied the Blumenort record for continual use of a single tea bag. Reporters throughout the region will be present at her afternoon lady’s Bible study tomorrow […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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