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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Lady Accused of Hoarding Prized Hutterite Chickens

October 30, 2016 Andrew

LINDEN, AB Local home cook Mrs. Margaret Martens of Linden arrived early in the morning the day after butchering day to buy up as many chickens as she could from the area Hutterite colony. Martens […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Grandma Arrested for Force-Feeding Unsuspecting Grandson

October 29, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Mennonite grandmother Betsy Petkau, 63, was arrested this week after using her charm and persistence to convince her twenty-year-old grandson Jeff to eat an entire roast chicken and two gallons of potato salad. […]

Unger & Thirst

New Mennonite EpiPen Injects Emergency Supply of Schmaunt Fat

October 27, 2016 Andrew

PLUM COULEE, MB Mennonites throughout southern Manitoba have been lining up outside local pharmacies to get their hands on a newly redesigned EpiPen that injects an emergency supply of schmaunt fat straight into the user’s […]

Unger & Thirst

Poland and Ukraine Unite to Sue Mennonites for Stealing Perogy Recipe

October 25, 2016 Andrew

KIEV, UKRAINE Perogies. Pierogi. Vereniki. Varenyky. Call it what you want, but the boiled dough pockets beloved by Mennonites are undoubtedly of Eastern European origin. The fact that so-called “Russian” Mennonites have laid claim to the delicacy has […]

Unger & Thirst

Congregation Votes to Continue Serving Raisin Buns at Funerals

October 22, 2016 Andrew

BLUMENORT, MB Tempers flared at the Mennonite church last night, after rogue elder Gunther W. Thiessen put forward a motion to replace the traditional funeral raisin buns with store-bought dinner rolls. “Some of us don’t like […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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