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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Unsure if New Church Friend’s a Teetotaler, Mennonite Woman Invites Her for ‘Coffee’

July 22, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Miss Liz Bergen, 29, had initially thought of asking her new friend Ashley from church to meet her at Sawney Bean’s pub for a pint of Guinness, but decided to play it safe […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Compete to See Who Can Cook the Blandest Least Spicy Chili

July 22, 2018 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Mennonites across southern Ontario have gathered in Leamington this week for the annual MB-GC Chili Cook-Off. Returning to the competition is last year’s champion Mrs. Lehman of St. Jacob’s whose extra-bland zero-pepper chili […]

Unger & Thirst

Hypnotist Claims to Remove Mennonite Schmaunt Fat Cravings

July 20, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Mennonites flocked to the Days Inn in North Kildonan this week in hopes of eliminating their schmaunt fat cravings by a very unique method: hypnosis. Renowned American Mennonite hypnotist Nobrane has been charging […]

Unger & Thirst

Recent Overdoses in Altona May Be Linked to Star Anise

July 17, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Three Mennonite men have been released from Altona Hospital this past week following consumption of Aunt Bertha’s chicken noodle soup which police say may have been laced with excessive amounts of star anise. “This […]

Unger & Thirst

Visitor to Winkler Gets Severe Case of Mennozuma’s Revenge

July 8, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Failing to heed the warnings not to drink the water, Mr. Peters of Steinbach was left with a severe case of what he described as “stomach problems” after a recent visit to Winkler. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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