Mennonite Man Beached on the Shores of Lake Winnipeg


A 43-year-old man from over by Reinland somewheres was found beached on the shores of Lake Winnipeg this weekend. Thankfully locals were able to keep him hydrated with Rogers Golden Syrup while rescuers rushed to the scene.

“We were just taking a walk on the beach, when I saw this creature lying there and I thought, ‘hey, that looks an awful lot like Corny Pankratz from Jantsied!” said Mr. Klassen, who, together with his lovely wife Martha, discovered Pankratz yesterday afternoon. “I don’t know how long he was lying there, but we immediately called the trachtmoaka. This man needed help!”

In fact, it look more a dozen amateur Mennonite chiropractors more than five hours to fully revive Mr. Pankratz and send him on his way back to Reinland.

“They were knacking and knipsing and kneedeling him for a long time yet,” said Mr. Klassen. “Finally he started to sputter a little and dan he really ferschlucked once and dan I knew he was going to be okay!”

The incident at Lake Winnipeg is not the first time a Mennonite man has been beached this summer. In fact, old Mr. Dietrich Toews was beached at the pits near Grunthal earlier in the summer.

“Formavorscht and swimming do not mix,” explained Mr. Klassen. “If you’re going to sit in your gonch with your belly hanging out make sure to do it in the privacy of your own front yard yet!

Thankfully, Mr. Pankratz has made a full recovery and says he is eager to usher in church this Sunday.

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