Canadians Gorge on Turkey While Millions of Americans Starve


Yes, Canada has it’s own Thanksgiving holiday and, thanks to an earlier harvest, it comes a full six weeks before the American celebration. This means that gluttons across Canada can fill their bellies with turkey more than a month and a half before their neighbours to the south have the same opportunity.

“It’s really disgusting. There they are up in Toronto or wherever eating turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and dressing (or “stuffing” as they call it) and here we are without a single thing to eat,” said Brian Warren of Buffalo, New York, who graciously agreed to a FaceTime interview while in the McDonald’s drive-thru.

As a result of the earlier Thanksgiving, greedy Canadians eat all the available turkeys ahead of time, leaving the United States of America in a near famine situation.

“It’s not fair for them to just steal our holiday like that and then eat all the poultry,” said Warren. “Don’t they care about the millions of Americans who have nothing to eat but Taco Bell?”

The Canadian Ambassador to the United States has responded to these criticisms by announcing a massive new pipeline that will cut through America’s most beautiful natural wonders like the Grand Canyon, the Redwood Forest, the Great Smoky Mountains, and the Florida Everglades.

“It will transport cranberry sauce to starving Americans,” explained the Ambassador. “No one really likes that stuff anyway.”

(Photo credit: by Mike_fleming/CC)

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