Americans Accuse Canada of “Premature Thankfulness”


Millions of Americans have signed a petition to stop Canada from celebrating Thanksgiving early.

“This premature thankfulness has got to stop,” said Mr. Frey of Elkhart, Indiana. “I’ve got some cousins up there in Canada and they’re gorging on turkeys in early October. Personally, I just don’t feel the need to express any thankfulness until at least the end of November … if that.”

Rumour has it these Canadians even get Monday off.

“What is going on up there? Apparently there’s a football game on Monday afternoon,” said Frey. “I knew Canada was progressive, but this is little much, don’t you think?”

Meanwhile, Canadians seems unmoved by the petition and are perfectly content to celebrate Thanksgiving in October.

“If my cousins down in the States are really concerned, they can come on up and share a bowl or two of gravy with us,” said Mrs. Eby of Kitchener, Ontario. “Or they can wait 6 weeks. I’m sure we’ll still be eating leftovers by the time American Thanksgiving rolls around.”

The petition is also asking Canada to insert the historical inaccuracies and problematic colonial narrative that seem to be the essence of the American version of the holiday.

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