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Articles by Andrew

Unger Games

Mennonite Hockey Players Forbidden from Completing ‘Gordie Howe Hat Trick’

June 12, 2016 Andrew

WALDHEIM, SK A minor hockey association in a predominantly Mennonite town has decided to officially forbid players from completing the infamous ‘Gordie Howe Hat Trick.’ “We don’t mind people going two-thirds of the way into the […]

Unger & Thirst

Conservative Mennonite Sect Bans ‘Papsi’ and ‘Ravel’ Bars

June 10, 2016 Andrew

BLUMENFELD, MB The leadership of a particularly pious group of Mennonites in southern Manitoba have recently announced a complete ban on the drinking of Pepsi and consumption of chocolate Revello ice cream bars. After eliminating every […]

The Daily Bonnet

Schekjbenjel Retires After 40 Years of Service

June 9, 2016 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Celebrated across the southeast for his impeccable schekjbenjeling, Klaas B. Kehler, of Altona, is set to retire later this month after a four-decade long career. Kehler was renowned for his ability to go […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Man Totally Ruins Concert By Singing Along

June 8, 2016 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Elbert Unrau, 58, of the Steinbach area nearly started a riot at the James Taylor concert on Friday by singing along loudly with every song. All 7,000 people in attendance at the MTS Centre […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Policy Seen as an ‘Attack’ on Traditional Mennonite Cousin-Marriage

June 7, 2016 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON In 2005, the Liberal government of Canada changed the definition of marriage. At the time this was viewed by some as a “vicious attack” on the Mennonite tradition of marrying your own cousin. In recent years, […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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