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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Man’s Face Left in Permanent Pucker After Rhubarb Platz-Eating Contest

June 5, 2016 Andrew

GRETNA, MB After eating 37 pieces of intensely sour rhubarb platz, local man Cornelius Thiessen has been hospitalized with what doctors are describing as “irreversible damage to his facial structure.” The contest is an annual […]

The Daily Bonnet

Lost & Found Items Discovered in 50 Year Old Time Capsule

June 4, 2016 Andrew

HOCHSTADT, MB Fifty years ago this June, students at the Hochstadt School near Kleefeld, buried a time capsule to be opened in the year 2016. When the time capsule was dug up this spring, it […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Man Declares Himself ‘Greater Than Muhammad Ali’

June 4, 2016 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB Just hours after he discovered that legendary boxer Muhammad Ali had passed away, insensitive Rosenort resident Cornelius Clausen, 71, has taken to social media to declare himself “the greatest man who ever lived.” […]

Unger Conviction

Pastor Drops Five Infants During Last Sunday’s Child Dedication Service

June 3, 2016 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN A reverend of a local Mennonite church has been sent on sabbatical after accidentally dropping nearly half a dozen infants in a single child dedication service. “That Bentley Hiebert is a slippery […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Couple Names Children After Really Obscure Old Testament Characters

June 2, 2016 Andrew

MILFORD, NE Tired of common Bible names like Mary, Jacob, Abraham, and Rebecca, local Mennonite couple, Mr. and Mrs. Jacob R. Miller have named each of their eleven children after lesser-known Bible characters. “Just way […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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