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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Mennonite Man Insists His Beard is Not a Tribute to Fidel Castro

November 26, 2016 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK A Mennonite man is facing considerable scrutiny today for sporting a beard that looks eerily similar to that of recently departed Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. “It’s just a beard,” said Ben F. Toews […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Men Take Cover in their Barns as Wives Gather to Watch ‘Gilmore Girls’

November 25, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Mennonite men across North America have joined their non-Mennonite counterparts in staying far far away from the house this evening as millions of women get together to watch the Netflix reboot of ‘Gilmore […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Store Offers Amazing 10% Off Black Friday Sale

November 25, 2016 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON In order to keep Southern Ontario Mennonites from zipping over the border for Black Friday deals, local Mennonite businesses have drastically reduced prices in order to compete. Rempel Electronics, for example, is offering unprecedented […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Pastor Pardons Thanksgiving Farmer Sausage

November 24, 2016 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN By now it’s an annual tradition. When the President pardons a Thanksgiving turkey at the White House, thus sparing it from certain death, a Mennonite pastor in small town Minnesota also pardons […]

Unger Suspicion

NASA Confirms the Existence of Mennonites on Other Planets

November 24, 2016 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC In a press conference earlier this morning, NASA scientists have answered a question that has plagued Anabaptists since the early days of the Reformation: “Are there Mennonites on other planets?” The answer, it […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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