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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Unsure if New Church Friend’s a Teetotaler, Mennonite Woman Invites Her for ‘Coffee’

July 22, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Miss Liz Bergen, 29, had initially thought of asking her new friend Ashley from church to meet her at Sawney Bean’s pub for a pint of Guinness, but decided to play it safe […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Compete to See Who Can Cook the Blandest Least Spicy Chili

July 22, 2018 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Mennonites across southern Ontario have gathered in Leamington this week for the annual MB-GC Chili Cook-Off. Returning to the competition is last year’s champion Mrs. Lehman of St. Jacob’s whose extra-bland zero-pepper chili […]

The Daily Bonnet

Evolutionist Proves Mennonites are Descended from Abes

July 21, 2018 Andrew

DRUMHELLER, AB Scientists at the Friesen Academy of Science, Platz, and Aniseed (FASPA) have uncovered conclusive evidence that proves the evolution of Mennonites from our ancestors the Abes. “Sometime millions of years ago in the […]

Unger & Thirst

Hypnotist Claims to Remove Mennonite Schmaunt Fat Cravings

July 20, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Mennonites flocked to the Days Inn in North Kildonan this week in hopes of eliminating their schmaunt fat cravings by a very unique method: hypnosis. Renowned American Mennonite hypnotist Nobrane has been charging […]

Unger Suspicion

Hutterite Woman Rollerblades Her Way Into Mennonite Man’s Heart

July 19, 2018 Andrew

FRIENDLY ROAD COLONY, AB Miss Rebecca Kleinsasser of Friendly Road Colony caught the attention of bachelor Peter Wiebe at the Dairy Queen in Taber this week. Wiebe was particularly enamoured by Kleinsasser’s pink rollerblades and ability […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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