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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Canadian Woman Turns to Pillar of Salt After Failing to Apply Adequate Levels of Moisturizer

November 23, 2018 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Emergency crews were called to a scene in Kitchener today where Alice Goossen, 43, was discovered to have completely dried out and turned into a pillar of salt after failing to apply adequate […]

The Daily Bonnet

‘Menno’s Rights Activists’ Burn Their Suspenders in Massive Bonfire

November 21, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC In honour of International Mennos Day, thousands of Menno’s Rights Activists have been gathering in church basements around the world today to bring awareness to the “shackles placed on Mennonite men by an oppressive […]

Unger Suspicion

Blue Bombers Proudly Hoist ‘Sunday School Attendance’ Trophy

November 18, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After a loss to the Calgary Stampeders this afternoon, the Winnipeg Blue Bomber season has come to an end yet again, and yet again this year, the club is excited to have achieved […]

Unger Conviction

‘Iron Maiden’ Performs to Sold Out Crowd at Local Mennonite Church

November 17, 2018 Andrew

ELIDA, OH There was some confusion with the local metal community after tickets they had purchased to see UK heavy metal icons ‘Iron Maiden’ turned out to be a performance by a single Mennonite woman […]

Unger Suspicion

Florida Hires Expert to Help with Election Recount

November 16, 2018 Andrew

TALLAHASSEE, FL Seemingly unable to ever get through an election without some sort of foul up, the State of Florida has hired the purple counting guy from Sesame Street to help with the recount. “We’ve […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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