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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

John Tortorella Hires Mennonites to Shun Patrik Laine

March 12, 2021 Andrew

COLUMBUS, OH Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man is Literally ‘Older than Sliced Bread’

March 11, 2021 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Sliced bread was introduced to the market in 1928. This makes Mr. Peter Wiebe, 93, of Winkler literally “older than sliced bread.” “Oba, I’m older than sliced bread and my wife Annie is […]

Unger & Thirst

New Study: Farmer Sausage Contains Only “Trace Amounts” of Actual Farmers

March 10, 2021 Andrew

FURTWANGLER, MB A new farmer sausage study from the University of Tubular Meat in Plum Coulee, Manitoba suggests that the vast majority of farmer sausage is actually completely farmerless. “I’m not sure what they’re putting […]

The Daily Bonnet

New TikTok Account Features Videos of Mennonite Woman Resisting the Urge to Dance

March 9, 2021 Andrew

ALTONA, MB It’s the hottest TikTok account in Altona and it features videos of a Mennonite woman just sitting there perfectly still for ten to fifteen seconds. “Wow, did you see that crazy video of […]

Unger & Thirst

Romantic Gesture Turns into Quite the Quandary for Mennonite Woman

March 8, 2021 Andrew

SWIFT CURRENT, SK All Mr. Wiens was trying to do was bring a little romance into the relationship by purchasing a package of Love Hearts for his wife Doris. “Little did I know they contained […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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