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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple Spends Entire Vacation at Timeshare Presentation

January 23, 2024 Andrew

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL The Wiebes of Altona had a lovely two week long timeshare presentation this January. “Ahh, it’s so nice to get away from Manitoba and just relax in this high pressure timeshare pitch,” […]

Unger Games

Taylor Swift Fulfills Lifelong Dream of Meeting Zach Collaros

January 22, 2024 Andrew

KANSAS CITY, MO Singer-songwriter Taylor Swift has decided she no longer needs to attend football games anymore after sharing a box seat with Winnipeg Blue Bombers quarterback Zach Collaros. “It’s all downhill from here,” said […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Has Friesen Toews

January 21, 2024 Andrew

ROSTHERN, SK After a cold snap in Rosthern, Saskatchewan, Mrs. Anita Friesen has resorted to double and even triple-socking her feet to prevent her Toews from Friesen. “My Toews Froese Fast,” said Friesen. “They were […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Invests Entire Life Savings in Pink Stanleys

January 19, 2024 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB Area woman Cathy Kornelsen, 34, has cashed out her mutual funds and put it all into pink Stanleys and Yetis. “Someday my grandkids will inherit these,” said Kornelsen of her water bottle collection. […]

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Arrested in Washington for Being Way Too Peaceful

January 18, 2024 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC 130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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