CALGARY, AB
Days before the referendum, Alberta separatists have hired the world-renowned experts on splits and schisms – the Mennonites.
“If we’re gonna split over trivial differences, who better than the Mennonites to help us do it,” said separatist leader ‘Berta Bert. “I mean I’ve always heard that for every four Mennonites you’ve got five churches.”
Mennonites have been known to split into tinier and tinier churches over the slightest of disagreements.
“What time Sunday school starts, how many hymns to sign, whether to use ham or formavorscht in the komst borscht,” said Mennonite separatist consultant Danny Siemens. “We can show them how it’s done. Heck, we’ve initiated mass immigrations to other countries for less than that.”
Some are concerned, however, that this new Mennonite strategy might take things a bit too far.
“We know how to start a schism, but when to stop? Who knows?” said Siemens. “I mean if Alberta wants to separate from Canada, then Calgary can separate from Alberta, and Silver Springs can separate from Calgary, and the next thing you know Silver Hill Road NW is its own country. That’s the Mennonite way.”
The new Mennonite consultants are already scheming to have Taber, Alberta split off into its own country over a dispute over mode of baptism.
