A Do-it-Yourselfers Guide to Selecting and Constructing the Perfect Border Wall

Spring is the perfect time to think about upcoming projects around the house. Whether it’s restaining the deck or sweeping out the garage, I’m sure your list is pretty long. But there’s one item that any home-owner should not forget: selecting and constructing a twenty-foot high wall around your property. The neighbours are always coming over without an invite and the border wall is a simple solution to the Friesen problem. Border walls are the hottest home and garden trend for 2018 and there’s no reason a handyman or woman like yourself can’t get one constructed over the weekend. So follow our simple steps and even a novice do-it-yourselfer should have their property well protected just in time for BBQ season!

Step 1: Measure out your property in ice cream pails. T.S. Eliot once said he had “measured out (his) life with coffee spoons.” You’re welcome to use coffee spoons if you wish, but the preferred Mennonite method is ice cream pails. Once you know how many ice cream pails long and wide your property is, you’ll be able to be able to bring these figures to your local hardware store. Ask for Abe – he’ll take it from there.

Step 2: Buy a sufficient quantity of mud bricks. Abe will easily be able to tell you how many you need. It’s going to be a lot, so you’ll need to borrow your cousin Corny’s truck and maybe your cousin Jakob’s also. They might ask you for some payment, but just remind them about the favour they owe you. (That time you caught them with the Loewen sisters behind the barn and didn’t tell the elders).

Step 3: Buy lots of yerba tea. Building a border wall around your property is hard work and you’re going to need nourishment. Yerba tea is the best thing for a hard working Mennonite man! The women can drink Papsi.

Step 4: Stake out the path. You don’t want the wall going straight through Mrs. Reimer’s petunias, so make sure to carefully map it all out. Remember what they always say: measure twice, brick out the Friesens once.

Step 4: Get your Hinjarenj in gear. It’s a lot of work building a twenty foot tall wall around your property, unless you’re a city Mennonite with one of those tiny Winnipeg properties, then you should be able to get it all done in an afternoon. But for the real Mennonites out there, it may take you a while, so you’re going to have to forego the knackzoat and work your butt off. It’ll all be worth it to keep the Friesens out.

Step 5: Allow the bricks to harden before setting the sheep free. There’s nothing worse for border walls than sheep urine. Keep them penned up in the kitchen or little Nettie’s room until the bricks have hardened. Once you’re certain the wall can withstand the forceful spray of the sheep (and also cousin Peter), then let ‘er rip.

Step 6: Enjoy your wall. It’s your wall. You built it. Enjoy the view! Watch out for tunnels, though. Those Friesens are a shifty bunch.

(photo credit: backbone campaign/CC/modified)

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