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Month: January 2024

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Has Friesen Toews

January 21, 2024 Andrew

ROSTHERN, SK After a cold snap in Rosthern, Saskatchewan, Mrs. Anita Friesen has resorted to double and even triple-socking her feet to prevent her Toews from Friesen. “My Toews Froese Fast,” said Friesen. “They were […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Invests Entire Life Savings in Pink Stanleys

January 19, 2024 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB Area woman Cathy Kornelsen, 34, has cashed out her mutual funds and put it all into pink Stanleys and Yetis. “Someday my grandkids will inherit these,” said Kornelsen of her water bottle collection. […]

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Arrested in Washington for Being Way Too Peaceful

January 18, 2024 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC 130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill […]

Unger Games

F1 Fans Really Excited for New Mennonite Driver Max Fe’schlucken

January 17, 2024 Andrew

FRANCORCHAMPS, BELGIUM Formula 1 fans are really excited to see new young Mennonite driver Max Fe’schlucken, who hopes to be the first F1 driver to win a Grand Prix using only a team of horses. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman to Go Around Naked Now that Reitman’s is Closed

January 16, 2024 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Area woman Agatha Martens, 73, is concerned she’ll be left with absolutely nothing to wear now that Reitman’s is closing. Martens relied so heavily on purchasing her floral blouses and navy blue slacks […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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