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Month: April 2017

Unger Games

Calgary Mayor Handily Defeated by Abbotsford Mayor in Crokinole Match

April 5, 2017 Andrew

CALGARY, AB Abbotsford Mayor Henry Braun took on all competitors and came out as the clear victor at the annual Canadian Mayor’s Crokinole Tournament this past weekend. Braun faced Naheed Nenshi in the final match and scored an […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Rank Among the World’s Best Spitters

April 4, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Mennonite people excel in many fields, not least of which is our unrivalled ability to spit. At a recent competition in Winkler, Mennonite horkers and spitters came out on top in nearly every […]

The Daily Bonnet

Missing CMU Student Discovered Beneath a Mountain of Hauerwas Books

April 4, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After an extensive nationwide search, CMU Theology student Brian Schmidt was discovered unconscious this past Friday in his dorm room beneath an enormous pile of Stanley Hauerwas books. “Brian’s recovering at the local hospital,” said his […]

The Daily Bonnet

’25 Minutes to Steinbach’ Sign Fails to Withstand Scientific Testing

April 3, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For decades a sign just outside of Winnipeg on Highway 1 informed drivers that they were just “25 minutes” from Steinbach, the Automobile City. However, rigorous scientific research has proven that the 25 minute estimate […]

Unger Suspicion

Anne of Green Gables Adopted by Mennonite Family

April 2, 2017 Andrew

AYLMER, ON After proving to be more than the Cuthberts could handle, beloved red-haired orphan Anne Shirley was reluctantly adopted by a Mennonite family in Aylmer. “We’ve got fourteen or fifteen mouths to feed as it […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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