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Month: April 2017

The Daily Bonnet

Steinbach Man Finally Earns Enough Airmiles to Visit Winkler

April 25, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After more than twenty years of collecting, Steinbach man Doug Ens has finally earned enough Airmiles to visit his Winkler relatives. “He kept telling us he didn’t have enough Airmiles to visit us,” said Doug’s […]

Unger & Thirst

Raw Onions 30% More Effective than Castor Oil to Prevent Swearing

April 24, 2017 Andrew

TABER, AB A new study out of the University of Southern Alberta has shown that forcing rebellious Mennonites to eat large quantities of raw onions is significantly more effective at preventing swearing than making them drink castor […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Shaves Beard into Goatee to Become Youth Pastor

April 24, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Local man Peter Berg of Morden has recently shaved his full manly beard into a goatee in preparation for his new job as youth pastor of the South Morden Brethren Church. “You can’t […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Woman Caught on Facebook During Church Service

April 23, 2017 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB Local woman, Mrs. Doris P. Sawatzky, 51, of the Rosenort area was caught posting pictures of cats on Facebook at 11:05 AM this past Sunday, which was right in the middle of Pastor […]

Unger Conviction

Anabaptist Seminary Graduates a Record Five Calvinists

April 22, 2017 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN The 2017 graduating class at South Goshen Mennonite Seminary has graduated a record number of Calvinists this year. “I must say, it’s been an upward trend toward Calvinism in the last few years,” […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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