Tories Target Mennonite Voters with Dutch Blitz-Themed Attack Ads


In an effort to unite the province with an uplifting message of hope, Manitoba Tories have purchased up all the advertising space on the Mennonite satire website The Unger Review, plastering the website with images of Wab Kinew photoshopped onto Dutch Blitz cards.

“Don’t play Dutch Blitz with the NDP,” the ads say, “or you might get your hand slapped.”

The Tory attack ads also include a wide variety of spurious claims about opposing candidates across the province.

According to the ads, one opponent was accused of “giving away free roll kuchen” and another was called a “self-identified Lutheran.” Worst yet, so the ads claim, “Wab Kinew has zero plow experience.”

“It’s like my mother always said, when they go positive, you go negative,” said Heather Stefanson. “How else can we win the hearts and minds of the good people of Manitoba? Sticking to policy? Ach, that never works.”

The party also ran ads featuring Mennonite pastors pleading with folks to remember that they’re never truly alone in the voting booth.

“Oh, you might think it’s just you and the last 20 pages of the Sears catalogue behind the barn,” said Pastor Dave. “But, just remember, even when it seems that absolutely no one is around–that it’s just you and an empty ballot–remember, the Lord is always watching.”

Stefanson is hoping that her inspiring message will resonate with enough voters to send her back to the Lagislative Building in Vanapag this fall.

(photo credits: Brian Turner and Dwight Williams/CC)

Taylor Swift Spotted on Kansas Farm in Full Mennonite Attire
Mennonite Woman Caught Using ‘Hunky Bill’s Perogie Maker’