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shunning

Unger Suspicion

Mennonites Shun Patrik Laine For Shaving Off His Beard

May 28, 2018 Andrew

TAMPERE, FINLAND After a playoff run that ended in disaster against the Vegas Knights, Winnipeg Jets superstar Patrik Laine has left the Mennonite faith and decided to shave off his beard and toss his suspenders […]

Unger Conviction

Entire Mennonite Town Becomes One Giant Escape Room

May 22, 2018 Andrew

NEUSCHANZENSCHULTZ, MB The small Mennonite village of Neuschanzenschultz, Manitoba has inadvertently become the world’s largest escape room after years of ostracizing and shunning any resident who steps out of line or thinks for themselves. “They […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Church Shuns Snowman For Being ‘Immodestly Dressed’

December 16, 2016 Andrew

PASTWA, MB A local snowman was shunned this week for setting a bad example for the young people of the congregation by dressing immodestly. “There he is out in the yard without any clothes on yet,” […]

Unger Conviction

Three Mennonites Hospitalized After Brutal Drive-By Shunning

December 7, 2016 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN Three young Mennonites are in critical condition this weekend after a random drive-by shunning at a local Wal-Mart. “We’re not yet sure what prompted the shunning,” said Police Chief Dennis Dueck. “We think […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Mennonite Police Force to Shun Criminals

September 25, 2016 Andrew

FREEDOMVILLE, PA A troubled American city with a history of conflict between police and civilians has decided to try out a new law enforcement and public relations strategy: replace the existing police force with unarmed pacifist […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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