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schmaunt fat

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Worried Bill Gates is Microchipping the Schmaunt Fat

May 15, 2020 Andrew

REDMOND, WA Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has been the subject of a wide variety of speculation as of late. ‘Just why is he suddenly so concerned about our health and well-being after subjecting us to […]

Unger & Thirst

Shocking New Photos Show Dramatic Glacier Retreat

January 9, 2020 Andrew

GRETNA, MB New photos released by the National Society for the Preservation of Glaciers reveal a dramatic retreat of the famous Gretna Glacier. “If you look at the photos side by side, you can see […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Children Leave Plate of Vereniki and Schmaunt Fat for Santa

December 24, 2019 Andrew

REINLAND, MB The Broesky children of Reinland were sick and tired of the mediocre gifts that Santa brought when they left out milk and cookies, and so decided to change things up a little this […]

Unger & Thirst

Feds to Open Forty New Safe Schmaunt Fat Injection Sites

November 21, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON The federal government just announced this week a plan to open up more than forty supervised injection sites in Mennonite communities around the country. “We’re going to provide people with cottage cheese and […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Woman Sells ‘Essential Mennonite Oils’

July 23, 2019 Andrew

BLUMENFELD, SK Local woman Mrs. Hiebert has launched a new alternative medicine program aimed at restoring Mennonites to health and vitality “through a specially designed program of concentrated hydrophobic essential Mennonite oils.” “Through extensive scientific […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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