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pacifism

Unger Suspicion

Mennonites Rejoice as NHL Finally Bans Military Appreciation Jerseys

June 24, 2023 Andrew

GERMANTOWN, PA “I used to be a big NHL fan until they were putting all this military stuff in my face,” says Mr. Shenk of Germantown. “If you’re into that, fine, but I don’t need […]

Unger Suspicion

James Reimer Declines to Wear ‘Violent’ San Jose Sharks Jersey

March 19, 2023 Andrew

SAN JOSE, CA Saying that the violent imagery goes against his religion, San Jose Sharks goalie James Reimer has declined to wear the team’s jersey. “It’s something that has weighed heavily on my conscience ever […]

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Worried Trudeau is Trying to Seize their Buns

February 18, 2023 Andrew

VANKLA, MB Mennonites across southern Manitoba have been greatly distressed over the past few months upon hearing the news that Trudeau is planning to take away their buns. “Ach! That Trudeau! This is exactly what […]

Unger Suspicion

Trudeau Ensures Mennonites Bill C-21 Will Not Affect Their Right to Bare Arms

December 5, 2022 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Mennonites across Canada breathed a sigh of relief today, after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that Bill C-21 is being carefully reviewed to ensure it will not impede on their right to show […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man ‘Conscientiously Objects’ to Watching the Oscars

March 28, 2022 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Citing his pacifist principles, Mr. Gordon Eby, 71, of Kitchener has submitted a formal written request to enter into “alternative service” during next year’s Oscar Party. “As a member of a historic peace […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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