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health

Unger & Thirst

How to Measure Your BMI (Body Mennonite Index)

July 29, 2018 Andrew

The body mass index is used to measure a person’s relative health based on their weight and height. Unfortunately, the traditional BMI does not work for Mennonites. Instead, Mennonite doctors recommend that you use the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman’s Thumbs Got a Great Workout at the Gym Today

July 23, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local woman Erin Friesen, 34, gave her thumbs quite the workout at the gym today. Friesen estimates she sent more than a hundred texts today and burned between 3 and 4 calories. “Dang […]

Unger & Thirst

Recent Overdoses in Altona May Be Linked to Star Anise

July 17, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Three Mennonite men have been released from Altona Hospital this past week following consumption of Aunt Bertha’s chicken noodle soup which police say may have been laced with excessive amounts of star anise. “This […]

Unger Suspicion

Winnipeg Woman Spontaneously Combusts After Venturing Outside the Perimeter

July 12, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Every Winnipegger’s biggest fear came true last night as one brave soul ventured outside the Perimeter and did not return. Set to become the first Winnipegger ever to leave the city limits to […]

Unger & Thirst

Visitor to Winkler Gets Severe Case of Mennozuma’s Revenge

July 8, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Failing to heed the warnings not to drink the water, Mr. Peters of Steinbach was left with a severe case of what he described as “stomach problems” after a recent visit to Winkler. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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