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health

Unger Conviction

Local Heart Surgeon Locates Jesus

December 1, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB A local surgeon has finally discovered the exact location of Jesus in the human heart. Just this past week, Dr. Penner opened up Mr. Klassen’s ticker and found Jesus. “Scientists have been trying […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Woman Dies, Donates Her Organs

November 29, 2018 Andrew

CHORTITZ, SK Local woman Mrs. Wiebe passed away peacefully in her sleep this past Sunday. Thankfully, however, she signed her organ donor card and her wide selection of electric home organs have gone to someone […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbachers to Vote on Whether to Legalize Romaine Lettuce

November 25, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After dozens of people have taken ill from E. coli-tainted romaine lettuce, Steinbach city council decided it was time to see how locals felt about this dangerous and addictive substance. “We’re gonna do […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadian Woman Turns to Pillar of Salt After Failing to Apply Adequate Levels of Moisturizer

November 23, 2018 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Emergency crews were called to a scene in Kitchener today where Alice Goossen, 43, was discovered to have completely dried out and turned into a pillar of salt after failing to apply adequate […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Breaks Five Teeth on Oma’s Rock Hard Papanat

November 1, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local man Dick Brandt underwent emergency dental surgery this week after cracking four molars and an incisor on Oma Brandt’s notorious rock hard päpanät. “Diewel, Oma’s päpanät are hard yet,” exclaimed Mr. Brandt, […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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