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health

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Church Warns ‘No Casual Meddachschlop During Public Health Crisis’

March 31, 2020 Andrew

SANTA CLARA, MEXICO Public health officials and church leaders are warning Mennonites across North America to refrain from casual meddachschlop with random partners for the duration of the current crisis. “Unless you’ve got a California […]

Unger Suspicion

Blues Albums Seeing a Huge Surge in Sales Right Now

March 30, 2020 Andrew

CHICAGO, IL Things have been so awful the past month or so, that is seems people are turning to music for a little bit of solace. As a result, blues albums have risen to the […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Super Excited that He Can Finally Attend Church in His Undies

March 29, 2020 Andrew

OMAHA, NE Mr. Janzen, 43, of Omaha is quickly becoming a regular church attender now that he doesn’t even have to get out of bed and take a shower in order to attend. “Ahh, this […]

The Daily Bonnet

Ten Person Maximum Puts Mennonite Families in Quite the Predicament

March 28, 2020 Andrew

NORTH KILDONAN, MB The Pletts have voted and it seems as if Dad is going to have to quarantine himself in the shed out back so as to adhere to the new ten-person guidelines. “We […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Finally Learns His ‘ABCs’

March 27, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Until recently local man Mr. Fehr had absolutely no use for learning the alphabet. However, the recent pandemic has forced him to learn his ABCs so he can wash his hands properly. “All […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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