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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Introduces New Social Network Called ‘Knipschat’

July 3, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB From the heart of the Mennonite Silicon Valley comes a brand new social network called ‘Knipschat.’ The new app allows users to post pictures of themselves knipsing, knitting, or knoodeling. “The best thing […]

The Daily Bonnet

Facebook Debate About ‘Eternal Security’ Results in the Condemnation of Millions

April 19, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB What started as an innocent conversation between a Mennonite and a Calvinist on “eternal security” quickly became the greatest mass condemnation of people since the Spanish Inquisition. “I just started off by posting a […]

Unger Suspicion

Facebook Crashes; Millions of People Actually Get Shit Done

March 13, 2019 Andrew

MENLO PARK, CA There was a surge in productivity across the globe today as Facebook and Instagram experienced unprecedented down time. “I can’t believe all the shit I got done today,” said local credit union […]

The Daily Bonnet

Breaking News! Abbotsford Woman’s Daisies Are Already Blooming

February 7, 2019 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Local woman Mrs. Kehler has been rubbing it in to all her Manitoba friends this week after her daisies sprung up a few days ago. “Check it out, suckers! You’ve still got ten […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Spends Ten Hours Trying to Figure Out Who Unfriended Her

February 1, 2019 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB Mrs. Rempel keeps pretty close track of her Facebook numbers, so when she saw her friends list drop from 189 to 188 earlier this week, she knew something was amiss. “Jauma lied! This […]

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