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The Daily Bonnet

Winnipeg Man Survives Eating Fish Caught in Red River

May 13, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Despite the large quantities of raw sewage that’s routinely dumped into the river, local man Alexander Penner of North Kildonan decided that eating a fish caught in this delightfully polluted river was a […]

Unger Suspicion

Canada Geese Return Home Just to Shit All Over It

April 12, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Millions of Canada geese, that beloved symbol of all that is good and decent about our fair country, have returned home this week to completely shit over absolutely everything. “The purpose of these geese […]

Unger Suspicion

Oil Company to Reroute Pipeline Through World’s Most Famous Cemeteries

September 7, 2016 Andrew

DALLAS, TX Despite significant opposition to the project, one of the world’s major oil companies has elected to route their new pipeline to make sure it damages as many sacred burial grounds as possible. The pipeline has […]

Unger & Thirst

Climate Scientists Predict Global Shortage of Schmaunt Fat

May 16, 2016 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Climate scientists in southern Ontario predict that, due to increasing temperatures, by the year 2030, there will be a global shortage of schmaunt fat. The white cream gravy has been a staple of […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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