Frantic Mennonites Stockpile Hand Sanitizer, Toilet Paper, and Farmer Sausage


Thousands of Mennonites across North America were totally freaking out at the prospect of having to quarantine themselves for a couple weeks should they be in the unfortunate situation of having not adequately washed their hands. The panic is so strong that local store shelves have been completely emptied of essentials such as hand sanitizer, toilet paper, and formavorscht.

“Oba, gotta make sure I don’t run out of vorscht,” said Mrs. Stobbe with a shopping cart full of farmer sausage. “Who knows how long I’ll be locked up in my house and I’ve gotta make sure I can survive!”

While some stores have a little bit of hand sanitzer and toilet paper left in stock, local butchers are really struggling to keep up with the demand for farmer sausage.

“We’ve been stuffing and smoking vorscht 24/7,” said local butcher Mr. Funk. “The one thing I can assure you is we didn’t skimp on quality. Coronvirus or no coronavirus, the vorscht has to be good!”

The supply of farmer sausage is so low that some desperate Mennonites have even begrudgingly filled their carts with the garlicky farmer sausage.

“It’s not ideal and far from authentic, but in these trying times it’ll have to do,” said frantic shopper Mr. Fehr. “I’m just glad there has not yet been a shortage of schmaunt fat.”

Upon overhearing Mr. Fehr’s comment about schmaunt fat, shoppers at the local grocery store were sent into a panic and quickly rushed to deplete the town’s supply of that, too. 

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