GOSHEN, IN
In a shocking turn of events, more than 300 million Americans went completely without Thanksgiving dinner this weekend.
“There wasn’t even any pumpkin pie,” said Mrs. Eby of Kitchener, Ontario, who has been carefully monitoring the behaviour of her American cousins on social media. “I don’t know what they were doing this weekend, but it sure didn’t look like Thanksgiving to me.”
When asked about the mishap, Mrs. Yoder of Goshen, Indiana appeared baffled by the question.
“Thanksgiving? In October?” said Mrs. Yoder. “Where I come from we’re not ready to express gratitude until much closer to Christmas.”
Rumour has it the Americans are planning to annex Canada just so they can have their turkey a bit earlier in the year.
“I actually think it’s a good idea if we space it out a bit,” said Mrs. Yoder. “All those family gathering in just the course of a few weeks can be a bit much.”
Instead of gathering to be grateful this weekend, millions of Americans seemed to spend the entire time arguing about Bad Bunny.