Passengers Rush to Board ‘Super Safe’ Flight with 99% Survival Rate


Passengers boarding a flight from Chicago to London today felt “super safe” after the captain announced that the plane had a “99% survival rate.”

“Good evening. This is your captain speaking. The skies look clear and we’ve been cleared for take-off,” began Captain Yoder. “We’ve just got word that there’s a 99% chance you’ll survive this flight. 99 times out of a 100 we successfully take-off and land without fatality. So rest assured, only one in a hundred flights taking off from this airport result in death. Nothing to worry about.”

When word got out of the incredible 99% survival odds, thousands of passengers booked flights with that very same airline.

“Let’s see, there are 100,000 flights per day around the globe,” said eager passenger Billy Schwartzentruber. “That means only 1,000 of those will crash. I like those odds!”

Frequent fliers were equally excited about the news.

“I’m flying between Chicago and New York every weekend,” said Mr. Miller. “That means I have about mere months left to live! Awesome! Plus, I always fly business class and I hear it’s mostly people in coach who at a greater risk of fatality. Wow, I love air travel!”

Passengers were so excited about the announcement that they asked the flight attendants to forego any safety instructions and just get on with the meal service already.

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